tryptical illusion

i was so sure the year would be different
i was different
     i wanted to be
i was planning activities that would never see
     the light of day
i was failing and succeeding invariably
i was getting ahead of myself
     my usual self
i was smoking and maybe not healthier
     but i wasn't in the hospital then
     like i was a few weeks ago
i was coming and going to school like always
     the wind blew and the weather was nice
i was watching the world from the window
     in my room in the hospital
i was looking forward to the change
     to getting out

i am still changing
     still hoping for one
i am going over everything with a fine-toothed comb
i am in the middle of it
     of the mess of the end of another year
     here
i am where you are and we are air
     we breathe in it
i am what i tried most to avoid
i am a void an empty space
     black on black
     a vacuum
     an abyss

i will be happy in the end
i will be spending the summer with my family
     with friends
     with the memories
i will be remembering what it smelled like
     how cold it was
     how it felt
i will be feeling