Take: a large bunch of nothing, preferably with leaves still unopened and flowers in buds.
Add: a small quantity of salted fluff.
Combine with: some medium-sized empty rhetoric, a handful of caramelised uncertainty, a sprinkle of whinge and several drops of self-pity.
Untie the bunch of nothing and let it lie loose at the bottom of a giant pan. The bigger the better. It will expand while cooking.
Mix in the other ingredients, spreading them evenly as you go along.
When assembled, cover with a tight lid, put on low and let it simmer. As soon as it starts bubbling, add a pinch of resentment and a spoonful of self-righteousness, both essential for the final effect.
As the dish cooks itself, you will need to faff around for a bit, huffing and puffing. Also, try to feel as indignant as possible, it helps to open the leaves and buds, and develop deeper flavours. Mutter a few swear words, curse the people who will be your guests at dinner. Don't take deep breaths and don't stop stirring up trouble.
You will know when it's fully cooked - it will blow up in your face, splatter all over your guests, ruin your kitchen and smell foul for days to come.
Enjoy.
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